I started having what I call my "shower moments" when I was in college doing my A's. I remember reading somewhere that you know you have forgotten the hurt when one day in the shower, you catch yourself thinking "hey, I haven't thought of him in a while!", or "hmm what was it she said that night which made me feel a million times smaller than i should be". These shower moments tided me through my break-ups, the not-so-infrequent bleak moments in my journey into adulthood, my self-doubts, my everything-negative-negativity which always accompanied me like a loyal shadow.
Probably only like a grand total of 2 people realise their existence - the morbidity and nonchalance which I wear like a cloak to ensure there is a wide enough berth between my innermost self and the person whom the world knows as me. But in my showers I am alone, with the droplets of water merging into streams and cleansing me anew. Blood coursing through my veins, pulsating, my thoughts as one with the water, flowing with abandon, defying gravity for a sheer elating moment.
And then the moment of truth would hit, and it would fill me with a rare sense of control. It would either be "I've truly forgotten all about him" or "Yeah, fark that paper", or some other disappointment I had been mulling over for the longest time up till that particular "shower moment".
This New Year's Eve I experienced one of my shower moments again, after a long period of absence. It just hit me, that I am just wasting my time (which I don't have a lot of) harping on memories which should be left well alone. Some memories should never even be allowed to be given more than a fraction of thought. Some memories should just... stay where they were made. Some memories are just, at the risk of sounding cliched and cheesy, FORBIDDEN.
Soon, I will be doing what I have always always wanted to do, I will finally be embarking on the beginnings of a dream come true and more. I will be in Australia, doing my Doctorate, and I will be far far away from the origin of my memories. Maybe I need another "shower moment".
Happy 2010. Hopefully I will have many more shower moments to come, because only with them will I manage to keep my sanity.
